Week 7 – Guilty feelings

I was up most of last night thinking that I wouldn’t have wanted to be pregnant if I knew what it was like. I even had bouts of thinking that I wished I wasn’t. I feel terrible for thinking like this, I was so lucky to get pregnant anyway, and I am even luckier to have a boyfriend that is the most supportive person in the world and very happy about it. I think that if I miscarry now it is all my fault for ill wishing it. Its now late afternoon and I feel much happier about the whole thing, but as a professional worrier I am worried about everything – the health of the baby, ectopic pregnancy, droopy breasts…..

I feel like a spoilt brat.

All day morning sickness, that’s what is making me miserable, depressed even. I haven’t been out of the house for 4 days, can bearly make it out of bed and can only do things that don’t involve changing the level of my head, anything else makes me dizzy. I want to be sick but I think the food I am eating is absorbing so quickly that nothing comes up. I am stroppy and just want to be on my own. I am also bored silly ‘cos there is nothing I can do without making my self feel ill apart from read or play on the computer. I am worried that if this goes on much longer I will resent the baby, its starting to make me think things like -’I don’t even like kids’, ‘what about my freedom’, ‘I can’t afford this’…..I wish my head would just shut up.

I can cope with weeing all the time and being a bit picky about food, but when my sense of smell makes me unable to kiss my boyfriend, it’s awful. I know I don’t appreciate how lucky I am.

Well, I cycled retching into town to get these expensive wristband things for sea sickness. (7 quid!) Thinking where can I puke if I really need to, how embarrassing, people are going to think I am drunk etc… They are a stretchy bit of fabric with a plastic bump that you fit 3 fingers widths down from the crease on each wrist. I had a strange urge for a cheeseburger (I am normally vegan!) then I cycled home and felt slightly better. Now this could be the healing power of a random meat burger or the wristbands may actually work. I hope so, cos the morning sickness has really got me down.