Week 22 – Vagueness

I feel stoned. I hadn’t recognised that it is like that until someone suggested it, but yes, stoned is a really good way to put it. I am the vaguest person alive, quite capable of standing and staring at nothing for ages and I can’t do more than one thing at a time. I find it really frustrating, it’s like being prematurely senile. Leaving messages on peoples ansaphones is dangerous as I end up laughing at my total inability to express myself ‘I’ve called to borrow the oojymaflip, the thing with the wotsits, that you use for the hamster, no, I don’t mean hamster, I mean….’

I used to do this but even though I had forgotten the name of the oojymaflip, there was still a picture of it in my head. Now there is nothing, a void with the occasional nugget of information about pregnancy. This is fine as long as I don’t try to make any decisions or have a conversation with anyone. A friend I haven’t seen for a year came to visit and laughed at me agonising over strawberry or apricot yoghurt, this is not like me at all. The ‘me’ bit of myself is being assimilated, or flushed away to make room for the more important being that I am carrying around. I am no longer the boss of my own mind.

Yesterday I was wandering aimlessly around IKEA, trying not to buy anything, humming to myself and rubbing my bump when I bumped into a woman at a similar stage of pregnancy who was also walking around in a daze, humming a little tune and rubbing her bump. Is it universal?