I panicked and went to the doctor about abdominal pains and got referred the next day to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital, very efficient! So today I went for my first scan, she tried from the outside but couldn’t see anything so she went for the internal, slightly uncomfortable but otherwise fine. I got to see 6mm of a bean shaped thing, with a heartbeat! Funny but it doesn’t make it seem any more real.

All is fine with it, abdominal pains have been put down to hormones and stretching ligaments, and I have to go back to the doctor if I spot or the pain gets worse. It’s nice to know it is just me being neurotic and not anything actually wrong. So it’s good that all is well, but bad that it is another 6 weeks until it is out of the worst of the miscarriage risk, potentially another 6 weeks of nausea, and I have absolutely no excuse to be this fat!

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I felt so sick. I have tried eating before I go to sleep, peppermint and ginger tea, pressing my wrists, throwing up…. ugh Why are we so badly designed? If it was anything other than pregnancy that was making me feel this bad I would go straight to the doctor for some heavy duty drugs to make it stop.

I am in a ‘mine is the only pregnancy in the world’ space I think! Hope I grow out of that mind set soon. The midwife won’t see me until nearer week 12, so I am worried that all is going well.

My breasts are less sore, I am really tired and I am kept awake with nausea but I am not being sick (I’m not the sick type anyway) and the period pain type sensations are on and off. If I prod around my tummy I can’t tell any difference but there is a hard point under the fat, it might just be a bit of cake though!

Mid week, constant nausea starts, day and night, it’s a bit better if I drink lots of water so I have something to puke, my normally healthy vegan diet takes a turn for the worse and I survive on burgers and chips. The whole morning sickness thing is incredibly depressing and I feel guilty ‘cos I should be happy that I am pregnant. I keep calling my mother to tell her that I can’t do this, she does the proper mother thing and says reassuring things.

I decide that my job is just too much for me so I hand in my notice. I have become increasingly exhausted and a bit scatty minded. Then, my period is 5 days late and I am never late. I have sore breasts, and I never have sore breasts. I am really tired and I am weeing a lot. I put off going to the clinic for a pregnancy test as I am sure that it can’t be possible. Eventually my flatmate hands me a test kit and shoves me into the bathroom. It comes out with a blue line that appears really quickly. I shake in the loo thinking ‘s**t, s**t, was this such a good idea, oh god this is for real’. My boyfriend continues to play the guitar and is unfazed by it all! He has been suggesting that I was pregnant for days. I phone my mother to get it over with and she doesn’t believe me, ‘but I really am pregnant’!

Later this week I am still in denial and have to buy another test to make sure that I really am pregnant and not having a phantom. I still get a blue line, so I do another test just in case – blue line again. I start to get cramps, a bit like period pain but not quite, they are very difficult to describe and very worrying.