Aunty Lactivist is all of us – so if you can help at all with personal experience, links or ideas that can help please comment below – it is often easier to see a solution when you are not in the middle of the problem.
“Dear Aunty Lactivist What do I do now my other half has become jealous of my 18mth old son. He doesn’t like that he feels I am closer to our little boy or that our little boy is closer to my boobs than he gets these days. So all of a sudden our breast feeding relationship is the source of all our problems, whether it’s him not getting enough time with me or the fact the little man cries, somehow it’s all down to my being stubborn and continuing to breastfeed. L”
the mother/child relationship is so hard for partners to understand sometimes. what do you want to do? could you really stop breastfeeding before time just to make your partner happy? maybe it’s just an easy excuse for him. if he can blame everything on breastfeeding then he doesn’t have to think about what the real cause of problems might be. does that sound harsh?
i suppose you could tackle it 2 ways: tell him to grow up and accept it is one option. or explain to him the benefits of breastfeeding toddlers (get info from kellymom, I think they’ve got one written by a bloke on there which may help); clarify that toddlers don’t cry because they are breastfed – ALL children cry; remind him that it’s such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things and he’ll just have to live without honking your bangers for a little while.
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This was a reply on the Lactivist facebook page I have copied onto here:
“Have you asked your partner what it is that he wants? I assume he doesn’t want to be breastfed himself, but if he wants you to wean your son, what does he want to happen after that?”
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I am starting to have something similar happen, my son is 13 months and recently his been a bit jealous so if my hubby and i are having a cuddle he will want to come up and ask for breast. my hubby has made a few comments about “when his finished can i have them back” and if my son cries and asks for boob hubby will do a little look sometimes. i have asked hubby if he wants him to wean and said to him if i DID decide to wean him it wouldnt be so much of a problem in the day time as he can go most of the day with out a feed when we are out and just will drink water and eat solids, but he would have to be prepared for a lot of sleepless nights with our son crying as we co-sleep and he uses breast to fall asleep. but he said he didnt want him to wean yet. i would have a serious talk and find out what the problem is, what he wants you to do about it and what he thinks the out come will be as i doubt it will actually be what he expects
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Your husband of course feels the way he feels and has little control over that. He can control how he behaves and communicates but not his core feelings.
Could you talk to him about what he needs from you to feel more comfortable? Even a plan from you to gradually introduce more time snuggling with him or make sex a higher priority might give him the confidence that this is a temporary and fluid situation so that he can continue to support you breastfeeding your son as long as he needs.
Your feelings are equally important however so make sure to let him know what he can do to free you up to enjoy both relationships.
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Hi. It sounds to me he Is using the bf as the main reason for a lot of things that are not making him happy. But in reality he Is probably struggling to adjust to the new little person In his life and the way It has changed the relationship between you and him. I think If you reassure your partner you love him etc and that your boobs are having time out to provide your child the best start In life but normal services will resume In the future. As another person said in the grand scheme of things its not that long to give them to your child. Maybe also try to get your partner Involved in someway? Say you all cuddle up In bed together whilsr wyou nurse? Best wishes and good luck!
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Hello L,
I agree that I don’t think this is really about breast feeding at all, but it is the best way your other half has of expressing himself. Men often can’t even name the ‘bad’ feeling inside themselves, let alone explain *why* they feel that way, so it seems likely he has latched on (pun not intended!) to the one thing he feels society would back him up for complaining about. It’s such hard work for us women sometimes as we have to help our men grow up emotionally (I have sworn that when my son leaves home he will be emotionally literate and capable). What you need to find out from him first of all is whether he feels he is cut off from you or not valuable in raising your child. If he feels cut off from you, what is it he isn’t getting? And don’t accept him simply saying it’s sex. Perhaps he relied on you to help himself stabilise if he became upset/disturbed etc. Perhaps he holds himself together all day and is very mature, but needs to come apart a bit at home. It may take some patience to unpick this, don’t expect it all to come out at once. But take heart, with calm persistence you can get somewhere. When I first got married my husband often couldn’t tell if he felt ‘bad’ because he was ill from something he had eaten or because he was worried about something. I used to make him think it through (he didn’t want to because it was difficult for him to work out), but he really has matured in that way.
In the meantime, you can assure him that your relationship with him is everything, that you couldn’t imagine being a parent with anyone else, and you are willing to work to improve how the two of you are together. Then share with him some facts about breast feeding he might not know, like the risk of you getting cancer of the breasts, uterus or ovaries will go up if you stop feeding now, or that the WHO says all babies should be bf at least until they are two.
Is he much involved with caring for your toddler? Some men need a very firm push to care for their child for a substantial time on their own, but if he does he might then be *very* glad to hand said toddler back to you for a feed!
Good luck, you can sort it out.
BTW, @Kayleigh “when his finished can i have them back” Is he for real? Who does he think your breasts belong to? Don’t take any more of that nonsense! He should consider himself honoured to be allowed near them at all. I am now wondering whether he was breast fed, LOL. It is very, very normal for a toddler to ask for a breast feed to help them cope with something that is emotionally challenging, such as seeing you being loving with his dad. If you continue to allow him to stabilise his feelings the natural (milky) way, hopefully he’ll grow up much more able to cope when his own wife breast feeds his children.
Roxy
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