Aunty Lactvist is all of us, so if you have experience of this problem or ideas that can help please join in by commenting.
Dear Aunty Lactivist,
My sister is due to give birth around 17th February. Unfortunately her former partner has left her and gone back to his previous girlfriend. He left her when she was 5 months pregnant. It now transpires he has 3 other children by 2 other women! However, he wants contact with my sister’s baby when it arrives.
My sister wants to breastfeed and as we know in the first few months, babies can need breastfeeding every 2 hours. I was just wondering what rights he would have to see the baby while she is breastfeeding, as logistically it will be difficult to arrange set times.
My sister does not want to deny him seeing the baby, but knows that he will make things as difficult as possible for her – he has said he doesn’t want her to breastfeed, that there is no proof that it is better for babies (!!) and that all his other children have been bottle fed so he can’t see why this child can’t be the same…
S
If i new that someone was going to be making my life difficult, personally, I would run far far away and raise this bubby by myself! Obviously this dad does is thinking of himself over the baby, and does NOT want the best for bub.
However, maybe she should seek legal advice? It’s probably a waste of time showing him the EVIDENCE that breast is beast etc etc.
Hope it all works out, keep us posted!
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Hi,
I feel for your sister – those are pretty difficult circumstances. I can understand her wanting to keep the contact going though. I haven’t been in this position myself and I think that those who have will be able to give far better advice than me on how this might work in practice. However, knowing how much newborns need to feed *and* be close to mum, maybe it would be best if the father visits the baby with your sister present?
In terms of legal rights, it’s probably best to contact The Citizen’s Advice bureau. Unmarried fathers used to have no rights at all, but this changed recently and it now depends on if his name is on the birth certificate.
I hope things can stay amicable for them. xx
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Why would she want to be in touch with this moron in the first place is beyond my understanding. He is not going to support her anyway, just to assert his so called rights. Anyway, I don’t think he has any rights to dictate her how to raise a child. Sad to read that some women are willing to be submissive to bullying tactics of men and thus jeopardise their child’s health and well being.
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Come from the angle that it’s the baby’s right to have breast milk rather than the mothers choice. This article may be useful. http://www.llli/Law/LawInterest.html
Morgan Gallagher is the woman to ask about this, find her at one-of-those-woman-blogspot.com
Best wishes
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I have been in a similar situation. First let me say that being fed is a newborn’s primary need. Whilst the father and the baby do need to bond there is no need for the bonding to interfere with breastfeeding in anyway. My first two children’s dad left when I was 1 month pregnant with our second. Whilst he did not specifically say he didn’t want me to breastfeed he did take me through family court for access. My first court date was the day my baby was born so I had to fight for it to be rescheduled. I had to fight to be allowed to breastfeed during the case (date rescheduled when baby was less than one month). They were not keen on allowing it but I had no option but to bring her and feed her so insisted on it and they reluctantly allowed it. In the end I asserted that because breastfeeding was very important if my ex could or would not visit the baby in a way which would allow me to feed her then he would have to not see her until she was able to manage without milk. The court actually supported this since I was offering contact he could have chosen to do which was in the best interests of the child. I feel very firmly that if one had to choose then it is better to delay paternal bonding rather than risk failing at breastfeeding and the court did support me but I had to explain and justify myself at every turn.
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These are some comments from the Lactivist facebook page – http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/lactivist/20770463680
I know where I be telling him where to go.
Ex partner forfeited his rights to dictate how a mother feeds her baby when he walked out the door. Not that anyone should have a right to dictate how a baby is fed full stop. If his opinions on child-rearing were that strong, he should have asked where the Durex was.
Sorry, my first thought is EX partner! He doesn’t have any right to tell her what to do.
I wouldn’t have been able to leave my newborn baby with anyone else even if he had been bottle fed. If he wants to see the baby I’d insist on being as there’s no way I’d trust him given his track record.
I would encourage her to file for custody as soon as possible!
If she wants him to be in her baby’s life (which I understand, even with the circumstances) then she should tell him he can visit them together at first but not have time alone with the baby. If he can’t understand that she should have a serious think about whether he would be a positive presence in their lives or not.
The man needs a slap. he should have thought about the welfare of the child before he did a runner. This lady needs to stick up for herself and the baby and not give in to his demands. If she wants to bf she should and no man should try to tell her otherwise.
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unless it goes to court, at the moment contact is still voluntary and an agreement between the two of them. if it becomes serious and he starts seeking contact, then get proper legal advice as soon as possible, ie get a family lawyer. If its in Scotland, I can recommend one (my whole family are lawyers), if its England I can get the name of the one my sister used for her BF contact needing daughter 12years ago (when they were even less informed on the benefits and normality of breastfeeding).
kudos and strength to you and your sister, she will need it. If you need any resources, (to give to the father) of the importance of breastfeeding you are in no better place than this forum!
Hope to G-d it doesn’t have to go anywhere as near as far as you fear it will.
much love
Miriam
And Kat, you sound like a very strong person, and I can see why. It upset me to know that you had to do so much stress inducing stuff during a very crucial, beautiful and incredible time in your life. (hugs)
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Poor her! I recommend going to see a lawyer immediately so that she knows her rights – most family solicitors will provide the first meeting for free – as there is nothing more frightening than someone threatening you with legal jargon or telling you about the 50 percent law(it doesnt exist btw). The next step is then to go into mediation once she has really researched and thought about what she wants for her baby – then she can avoid the expense and pain of court and get the very best outcome for herself and her child. Good outcome would be frequent short visits with the mother present?
PS – slighly similar as I am being taken to court in 2 weeks by my ex who wants week long holidays and 50% access with my bf son, except he is 3yo so I am expecting no sympathy from the court at all.
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